you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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