Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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