Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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