So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
