her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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