Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
