3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
