This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize