Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
