you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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