I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
where am i from again
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize