i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
