This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
