the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
this is an emotional support booty call
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
