You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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