if i can run in heels then i can drive
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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