Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
