Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
