Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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