I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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