Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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