I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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