WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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