True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My dick has a subreddit
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
