Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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