I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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