I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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