just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
