I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just googled if crying burns calories
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
