tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
