So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
