You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
