I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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