So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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