I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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