he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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