I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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