I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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