I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
