I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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