she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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