The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
