Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
organizing the empties. That sober.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
