you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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