I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
