working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
