I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize