I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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