I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
