Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
