I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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