so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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