I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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