I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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