I wanna bring you to show and tell
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
