if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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