I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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