omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize