It's like God shit irony all over that family
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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