I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
