I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
