I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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