I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
