She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
