I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
