There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
