This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
being pregnant is like rehab
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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